why am I depressed

Wisdom of the Waves

2008-11-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

Wisdom of the Waves

To catch a wave or let it go?

To ride the wave or let it be?

Are questions I ask of myself?

The ocean of my life it seems.

Sometimes does over flow.

A wave comes in and knocks me down.

And hope is far away

The sand and water takes me down.

Into the murky depth.

And life gets so forlorn.

How can I make it through this pain?

My soul is crushed beyond control.

The water hits again at me.

I can not stand the force.

It takes me far from shore.

No life jacket to hold on to.

There is no one who can ease my pain.

I am completely alone.

But then I look and finally see.

That God is holding on to me

He will never let me go.

He calms my soul and lets me see just why this has to be,

I fight and anguish with him now.

I let him know it is not right.

To put me in such pain.

A wave of love surrounds me now.

It takes my breath away.

Beyond the darkness of my storm.

The light which shows me more.

Still difficult to understand.

The silence speaks right to my soul.

With wisdom difficult to perceive.

There in front of me my life it all makes sense.

Again I reach to hold the wave.

But this can never be.

As one wave is building up another hits the shore.

I am taken by the wave of me.

It takes me back to land.

Now I stand and look again.

Something has changed in me.

With each drop of water splashed.

Some pain is brought along.

Other drops are compassion filled.

To take my pain away.

I learn the ebb and flow of life.

There is an ocean of my life.

And I shall feel some pain.

But with out some pain there is no gain.

Finally it makes some sense.

I have the strength to walk again on every stormy sea.

Life is full of many things mysteries I will never understand.

With Faith and Hope and Love within my soul.

I know the way ahead –

For with each action comes reaction upon the sea of life.

And that’s what makes it flow.

To GROW or not to GROW

2008-10-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

Time has passed since I wrote my last words upon this Blog.

To GROW or not to GROW

With time many things have made their mark on how we think.

With the help and support of others, and putting our own efforts into the mix.

Life can take on new meaning and direction.

That’s when I began to go to GROW

Looking for mutual group support and friendship with others who would understand.

I found a group of people who had some similar things to deal with in their life journey.

Yet others had faced even more difficult situations than me.

It helped to be with others who knew the depth of pain

Who understood just how it feels to be so far down the drain.

I could not quite work out why I would not put up my hand to join the ranks of GROW.

The GROWER I could not claim to be.

The more I question my self the more my own brain began to work.

I could see the folly in some people’s words that one can just outgrow the pain.

No need for medication, just use the program and all would be ok.

Some people I am sure can GROW again without such medical intervention.

But alas others just can not even exist within the pain that envelops the spirit.

Without the relief and steadiness of the medication to keep the swinging moods intact.

Then I looked carefully at the 12 Steps of decline which was observed.

They did not speak to me.

These 12 steps seemed to label mental health as a choice one could take.

I never woke up with the desire to be depressed or have an anxiety attack.

All I ever wanted was to be was normal what ever normal could be.

I looked at the 12 Steps of recovery they did not really state the way to go for me.

I found the meeting so confining no time for laughter to relieve the pain.

To smile and have a joke seemed intrusive to some of these.

When I know just how much better I feel when I have had a joke.

A smile and some laughter a touch of the human kind.

GROW has some really great positive reinforcing statements

In those I truly believe.

But not to blame the person for the mental health condition

That holds on to their very being.

I shall think a while on GROW or growth as I can clearly see.

That GROW meetings are not for me.

But where is my next step going to take me.

On the road to growth full me?

I want to be happy

2008-02-25T21:08:00.000-08:00

Every day I wake up feeling so down in the dumps.

No energy

No will to want to get back into life..

Life just seem too difficult to navigate the roads that I need to travel..

Why is life so dam complicated?

When you get to be almost 60 years of age you want to sit back and take in the view and enjoy the simple things of life.

But so much of the time the past still comes up to bite you in the bum

Money is an issue.. if you have not prepared for this time of life you are in a position of not enough money to cover all the costs of living.

While we were young it never seemed important so you just live on what you could, hoping the future would take care of its self.

But it sure will not..

When the mood is so low that you find it difficult to cope just getting up to face another day how can you cope with the issues of not having enough money to pay all the bills?

The saying of don't worry be happy just does not work..